What Renee wrote could have been written by me. I kept doing it over and over again until he finally realize, his yelling at me was over. He has taken away so many things, but he could not brake my spirit. He calls it the 4 Ds of financial abuse: Debt: Every discussion about finances - no matter how mundane - becomes triggering and turns into a panic attack. When anything goes wrong i cant even imply it was his fault. I now remove myself from bad behaviour , when possible. Ahhh! These people arent logical. NPD is a very child-like personality disorder, so it would behoove us to learn some child therapy techniques if were going to love and live with a Narcissist. He wanted to stay but I was too difficult to live with. I went in front of the Grand Jury stating he had emotional trouble and he tried to kill himself bla bla bla, they decided not to press charges and afterwards he became even worse. Hi John I really feel for what you are going through. I told him that I would, because of your advise, & I was so scared to follow through, but I did. The thing for my friend is he doesnt want me to leave him so I try to become a safe person for him all the while being very careful to not become his victim. Harsh, but true. Slavery works like that; not freedom. I assume there are different degrees of narcissismand though my wife doesnt do some of the more egregious behaviors many of you are dealing with, she is a text-book narcissist in her inability to accept accountability or in any way see the world through eyes or perspectives other than her own. He has his own rules that no one else knows about. Every couple of weeks to every few months of our whole relationship he has threatened to divorce me, but I finally decided to stop fighting it and to stop begging for forgiveness for all of the things that offend him. Ive read a lot of wonderful responses to your article, but I especially would like to respond to Amy. I sit here feeling alone, empty, worn outas usual, he was in his funk, I was invisible most of the time to him, his excuse is his job issues(once again). Rather than playing teacher, judge and jury or mother superior instead try some grit with a dash of humility while setting boundaries . One new study showed that narcissists can significantly damage workplace team performance. I have found dbt [dialectical behavioural therapy] to be very effective for ME learning to accept reality and deal with it effectively I have REFUSED to take the blame for his outbursts and now he knows that i really mean it, I have actually got several apologies that is progress indeed! A good way to understand how to make a narcissist miserable is to spring the occasional surprise on them. Why are we attracted to this type? But women are usually the worst for believing every word he says. I really didnt understand his behavior then, but I want to now because of my boys. The promise was that if at some point either of us move on and leave, we need to let the other person know becomes it significant impacts my daughter who loves this man like her own father, and is the only father she has ever really known. While I was asleep, got my phone and synced with it taking all of my photos my phone showed that his phone synced to mine at 3:53 a.m. And he took things of mine and continued to invade my privacy until suddenly woke at 5:30 and saw him standing at the foot of my bed!!! 11 Ways to Confuse and Disarm a Narcissist. He cant sustain connection for any consistent amount of time. I am very sad at the moment because after reading these comments I now think there is no hope of happiness for my daughter who I love dearly! The more sensitive a narcissist is to criticism, the more likely it is they'll become mean, vengeful, and vindictive. This is an interesting topic. Everything is my fault. And of course its all my fault! Kim, I havent yet bought your book Looking Glass. I am so glad to know about it! This creates an environment in which the narcissist is never held accountable and paves the way for the narcissist to escalate and become increasingly destructive. He is no longer abusive towards me and he is learning to control his emotions. On another site I read that A true relationship with these people is impossible A relationship of sorts is possible if you are prepared to put in a lot of hard work and be very strong but it might never equal what you deserve and what can be achieved when two people truly love and respect each other. He HAS improved, but his basic method of interaction is still unempathetic bullying, put-downs, anger, outbursts, only occasionally considering my needs and concerns, and not being accountable for the little things in life. He became the most loving partner in life and we got married. Cuz hes made himself King? Hi Kim, I am very close to the point where I may sit him down and explain a few things about Daddy to him, that will help him learn to cope with his fathers behavior, and to help him see that it is not about HIMits Daddys problem. He also tries to provoke me often telling me with a smile his best moments of the day were when he had been with one of his favorite female colleagues. 8) When my 15-year-old son called me crying and wanted to move back home after moving in with his dad for a year to try and have a relationship with him which was not working. I went to the attorney with you. 3 Remove all emotion from your reactions to them. How depressing that they are so selfish they will not be responsible. (is that part of narcissism?). 3 Set boundaries to protect yourself. The most important factor in this seems to be TRUST. Partners were not there to be scapgoats. of stress and terrors..overlooking tolerating praying about (God will not do for us what he equipped us to do for ourself) and my having temper storms at him. My blood pressure is now normal again and I like myself again. I find this interesting in that I now realize that I was married to 2 narcissistic men. I give them the fuel, to take to others, to set me on fire. I have tried many times for the sake of my children. There is no love in the world worth what a borderline narcissist is willing to do to not be healthy and to take you down with them. but to ensure that I too learn from this experience and can move on to a healthier way of life either with or without him. He tells me in a text later that night after Id told to drink concrete and harden up. So I became the breadwinner but still worked from home where I could monitor and also protect him. 5 Guard your sensitive information closely. My husband has not changed in fact he has moved on to another woman whom he can control. Granted he has almost destroyed me mentally but Physically no. It went from serious concern about his behaviors to the police belittling my call for help (we are not here to solve your relationship problems) and the mental health services deciding Im disturbed and needed to be put in hospital against my will to give me a break from my husband. Do NOT get into and argument and DO NOT take these steps without reading all the steps you need in our book Back From the Looking Glass. Kim & Steve have a blog page titled Because I Love You-Im Learning To Say No. As soon as it was all over, when i questioned him, he admitted to maybe saying some things that could be taken the wrong way i.e he threw me under the bus. Kim writes a lot about taking care of yourself emotionally and physically and I couldnt agree with her more. I cant trust him yet of course. I have come to understand that there are some people that unless sacrafice is made, they may never know what true good in life they can have. I know that it is true by the company thst he keeps. In the meantime you need better security on your house so he cannot break in. It is not done in an effort to hurt anyone, used with bad intention or control them (the Nar), just to guide the outcome of the situation for the best. When asked you about it, You said you did that because you wanted her to move back so you could be closer to your kids. I just wanted have a lil peace so I couldnt go up against him and hold him accountable to much. How does one stay true themselves, their daughter and the man they love, while N is determined to destroy the love of a family he so wanted and created, without hurting everyone, and still finding a way to mend what is so very broken? Whatever you do you need to make sure you are safe. Mine treated me like a queen for 6 months. My parents are divorced. I just dont know how to hold her accountable in a way that will WORKand not just make things worse. Am I supposed to live a life of unhappiness till the kids graduate and pray he doesnt completely f*** them up in the mean time? They have forgiven you time and time again. The reality is they are not kings nor queens. These resources wont gaurentee he returns but they will help you understand what went wrong and heal yourself. I dont know how to get passed this hurdle, but I am willing to try because deep down, I believe he is a good man. Just last night he tried to manipulate me again into lending him more money by setting the stage thru being super sweet cooking and cleaning and then bamm, here he goes again. I self petitioned for my green card under the Violence against women act and have recently received my papers. This method of dealing with it is the only one that has any positive results. If I leave, considering I have a narcissist for a father, and loved 3 other narcisst including the one I now love more than all the others combinedIm doomed to end up with another narcissist. I have been married 36 years and most of my married life has been filled with sadness and anger. He spins everything to make me wrong and him right. Would the more dominate one win out or would they x each other out? My husband appears to have pretty strong values, actually, around sexual behavior ie I dont expect that hed easily cheat. Thank you Kim. I could never imagine that the sweet kind generous woman I promised to love for the rest of my life, could be so deliberately hurtful, so callous and full of spite and disregard for my feelings. I didnt handle it right, I got upset and was hurt and we had an allniter fight again. This was NOT my desired outcome but a result of our unique situation and personalities, and was not the fault of any of the materials or tips Id used during the time I tried to rescue myself and the marriage. I have become physically ill from this(lungs). If the man really almost kills you, than leaving is probably the best thing. I pray my own daughter never marry a man like. (1)He slammed my iPhone on to the ground (because I refused to give him my car keys) he was not sorry, he blamed meI made him do it. How do I protect them? Whenever we are growing closer, he will try and start a fight about nothing, just to give himself permission to get away and blaming me for it. This keeps the people that are suing him, unable to take his business.Im scared to death to put my name on a business that he has any control over! My guess is that he may be hiding credit cards you dont know about and is struggling to meet the repayments. What I have learned is that I can not control or make another person accountable for their action. Unfortunately, I didnt have the help you now offer. His are exhibited in binge drinking, he states this is to maintain his happiness; he frequently waits for the next weekend to live it up. Mine was in the beginning, then less and then gone. Is it OK though that I gave him time to make a decision and set a time for him to tell me? He owes me money and keeps asking for more. I still get called swear names you are a selfish bitch !!! I am divorced from them, but one has since passed away. The self-doubt and anguish and stress it caused me resulted in adrenal fatigue and stress-burnout and a sense of despair so far-reaching that it affected me every day of my life, because I could not comprehend how a person could be so mean and vindictive to someone they say they love so much.. She told me I was her best friend. Then used access to them as a way of continuing to control me. Will he ever understand what he did was wrong? He has broken up with me in the past when I denied his marriage request (didnt get what he wanted and didnt need me anymore), he appears to take me for granted now with money, and has this idea of our perfect future. Im tired of it and have told him that this isnt working for mehes too irritated and frustrated with me so much of the time, and Im burnt out on the tension and the fighting. Holding accountable? I worked with a woman who had NPD. You need to send this to his doctor and also CC someone else as a witness. He told me yesterday that he was changing phone carriers because the sales agent hung up the phone on him and he thought that was rude. I feel trapped! Looking back we both use each other for opposite reasons. Play as nice as you can and de escalate the fight and let the heat come down on him from police. He also said we dont have kids, theres no reason to stay together. He isolates me from his friends because he knows that I see his other self emerge in front of them, and he does not want me to call him out on it (I have done so before, with terrible consequences). MARIE, I knew something was wrong, but I was so accustomed to allowing people to disregard and abuse me that I did give it the attention it deserved.

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