I think hes going a little too far if hes making disparaging comments about her personality, but I absolutely hate baseball, and if I married a guy who loved it and we had a son who was obsessed, I know that Id be rolling my eyes at them. So how did she find out about it? I dont care if he thinks her shows are boring his wife and daughter deserve respect. They actually like this stuff! So it was this wonderful little springboard into history for them. painted_lady My dad probably had no interest in my piano recitals or spelling bees, but he sure knew how to act like they were the most important things in the world to him. Maybe even consider making those things, like hiking or whatever, family events, so that its not a choice between a fun thing with mom and a thing she doesnt like as much with dad. But sometimes, this relationship can be strained. Nope, not from Scranton. Why Does Your Daughter Wants You To Leave Your Husband? FUCK BOARD GAMES. My teenage kids are miserable & he treats them like they are toddlers. From Voyager, for some odd reason, The Q and the Grey really struck a chord with me and actually made me challenge all of my beliefs regarding what is beyond humanity. But since I knew his motivation for liking things was less about me than it was about his own inadequacy, and I didnt actually like him as a person. I mean when she was a toddler did he demand that the Disney tunes never be played in favor of classical!?! Its that shes finding she doesnt always like her dad. Thinks hes hilarious). Too little time to post! One of my MILs (I am so lucky; I get three, FML) has a serious issue with me I mean epic butt hurt level, because I CANNOT do board games or card games. After all, the child is innocent and helpless, while the spouse is an adult who can take care of themselves. than it is to have fun with them although you should have fun while doing so. My mom begged me to stay close so I went to one about 3 hours away but it was in the city she grew up in and all of my family was there. He(now) jokes that he and my mom missed out on the music of the 80s (and therefore dont know any of it) because they were listening to the wheels on the bus on repeat for the entire decade. Then ice cream after. I think you are probably right. He showed me culture, gave me an enjoyment of the arts and it was one on one time that was genuine. We were so thrilled. His dad was hyper critical that my boyfriend was interested in computers and cello, not hunting and fishing. , Fair enough, NKOTB fan!! If dad were interested in making an effort, he could find some common ground there and use that to tie into what he is interested in. Or, find the show about the science of Star Trek. Wed do something hed want to do (touring a waste water treatment plant seriously), and then wed do something I wanted to do a couple weeks later (he took me to see Rent when I was 13!). We still dont have a great relationship, mostly because he is an authoritarian asshole in a lot of other ways, but if he wasnt such a bully and tried to meet my sister and I halfway, we probably wouldnt hate him as much as we do. Or its hilarious I have seriously never watched football in my life, so I once got called on to do a touchdown dance. You have to do whats best for yourself and your family. The Substitute Wife: My Poor Husband is a Billionaire novel Chapter 89 Take Them All Away . I feel like Im in a relationship with two people, one who really loves me and his evil twin who emerges without warning or reason.. (To be fair, I tried a couple of months ago when we started dating, but i couldnt understand a word during the fight scene, it was late and there was another 1.5 hours, so he turned it off so I could give it my full attention next time.) It actually kind of rocks once you get passed the first 20 mins (or watch them with subtitles). July 2, 2013, 11:57 am. Neither does your husband. Both parents have to work on appreciating her interests and her, while asking her to explore theirs as well. Its almost like shes commiserating with her daughter as though hes her father also. My dad was also much more stern, and as a shy kid, he made me sort of uncomfortable at times. If he simply refuses to see that there is a problem and you continue to feel miserable, I suggest you consider talking things through with a Relate counsellor (relate.org.uk). July 3, 2013, 1:09 am, If the Mom is copying her daughters interests with such a vengeance its even more creepy. Look, I had a great relationship with my dad. findingtheearth You can follow me on Facebook here and sign up for my weekly newsletter here. Many things can contribute to this type of conflicts, such as personality clashes or differing parenting styles. lemongrass Our grandmother let us watch Bambi as a treat and I cried and cried, so my father responded by tricking me into eating venison the next week, and then as soon as I ate it all, telling me it was Bambis mother. I love it. if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[300,600],'therelationshipnotes_com-large-mobile-banner-2','ezslot_10',130,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-therelationshipnotes_com-large-mobile-banner-2-0');You feel yourself in big trouble when suddenly your husband and daughter are caught in the middle of a nasty argument. Im still mad at my parents for allowing me to grow up without listening to Led Zeppelin. I think it would seem less like forcing if he wasnt being a dictator about other things I mean maybe if she could listen to her music or a Harry Potter book on tape in the car on the way camping the daughter would be in a better mood , Marjoralynnia Also, at some point, the kids will leave you and then what will you do? Great suggestion! Again, no. Twelve year old take everything personally, so if hes saying I hate your favorite book, its so annoying, shes probably hearing, Youre stupid for liking that, even when its not what he means. lets_be_honest Sure, he dragged me out on hikes that I hated, and I was a brat and pain during many of them. How easy it must be to cultivate a close relationship and enjoy time together when you both like the same stuff! Oh and get this, occasionally, I orchestrate it so hes not the asshole no-fun mr knitknots type, and I do unfun things, like make her come serve soup at a homeless kitchen or walk dogs at the SPCA or help our elderly neighbour do various stuff. Moreover, his interests could actually I dunno help make her a more well rounded person. My husband goes thru their rooms & throws clothes away he doesn't like. We and our partners use data for Personalised ads and content, ad and content measurement, audience insights and product development. I didnt say all mature and intelligent adults like Buffy or Star Trek, Im just saying there are mature and intelligent adults who like Buffy or Star Trek. Do they really want intimacy but fear that their need will end up in entrapment? But if she IS uninformed, then its good for him to point it out and provide her with ways to become informed. Would I have said, at 12 or 13, Hey Dad, hows about a trip to Home Depot on this fine Sunday? Im not gonna say that those novels were the sole reason she and I both ended up with lucrative and fulfilling careers in the hard sciences, or the sole reason why were both great writers and communicators, or the sole reason we didnt have to pay for college (we both got full scholarships). Id love to hang out with her. Can Humans Detect Text by AI Chatbot GPT? If you find that the conflict is escalating or if there is name-calling or other disrespectful behavior, its time to intervene. Why are we judging other peoples interests? (There was plenty of that too, but I felt like dismissing my nerdy interests hit the hardest because I felt like science-fiction, fantasy, history, video games and books taught me a lot of personal lessons about life, loss, and persevering. Theres nothing wrong with mindless pop culture, imo, so long as its balanced with things opposite that. One of her friends had already seen the series and the others wanted to come over and watch the show on Netflix. You sometimes got what you needed but not what you expected in unpredictable moments that made no sense. if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[300,250],'therelationshipnotes_com-leader-4','ezslot_15',127,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-therelationshipnotes_com-leader-4-0');And since she loves you both, it can be tough for her to see you stay in a situation that makes you both so miserable. Theres something to be said for respecting other peoples interests and personalities. I feel like the mother may be inadvertently teaching the daughter that its OK to make it all about yourself. Theres even more scripted shows re: that sort of thing. Of course the fights will get worse as she challenges boundaries and pushes back against his authority. If LWs husband is making LWs daughter think that shes less of an awesome person for not having the skills he wants her to have, instead of saying these skills will make her a more awesome person, than thats probably the main reason shes pulling away. He probably reached Buffy overload YEARS ago and now here it is every morning at the breakfast table. You are the only one who knows whats best for you and your family. July 3, 2013, 12:54 am, Uh oh some you will be called BSLBH. She occasionally plays them with her friends but she could care less whether she wins or loses because she doesnt care for them and so she isnt invested in the game. He is clearly not getting the message. July 2, 2013, 11:25 am. He also occasionally went to movies with us. So, dont deprive your daughter of the sort of things you learn about life when doing not fun things with one of your parents. The Golden Rule for all intimate relationships is just as relevant in this situation: No matter how good your intention or how deeply you care for your partner, dont keep participating in interactions that create frustration and emotional distance. Unfortunately for your husband, its not as easy for him to nurture his relationship with his adolescent daughter and rather than helping him and by extension, your daughter create a closer parent-child bond, you seem to be almost delighting in the Us Against Him mentality you share with your daughter (we look forward to him traveling so we wont have to tiptoe around him, etc.). I was so annoyed! But he always treated me like an adult and respected and loved me and I think he had a huge hand in making me a pretty confident 24 year old woman and I know what I want and deserve from boyfriends. (I threw it all up and cried. 1. One of the strangest experiences of my life was attending a Sci-Fi convention with her on a lark where we learned she is on a Franklin Mint plate!! On the other side, my sister hates sports and has ZERO in common with my dad and I would say prefers my mom to him. He may think that if she leaves the home then shell be safe from his alcoholism. I do think the LW should encourage her daughters interest in her father and her fathers hobbies, because I think thats good parenting in general. a single mom to her as her dad was never in the picture. More of a this is silly than yall are stupid eye roll. Seriously, this guy is an asshole. Both of them are alike in that they are argumentative, particularly with each other, and if they disagree with each other or even have a misunderstanding neither will let it go, such that we end up with ridiculous escalating fights. Hed take me to Barnes and Noble and buy me a new Star Wars fan magazine every time. They Dont Want Their Marriage To End Up Like Yours, 4. Everyone can have a relaxing hobby. Unfortunately, the old woman fell ill, and Janet had to marry a worthless man in place of her parents' biological daughter to meet the maid's medical expenses. But my parents both made an effort to do lots of family things together, even if my brother and I didnt want to. Oh, and he thinks TV can actually teach somebody something more relevant than the fact that its both rather silly and stupid to be a Vampire Slayer Not too mention angst-filled. This is NO accident. Just like if she says like every other word someone needs to point that out and keep pointing it out until she does something about it. THIS is the problem, not the fact that a 12-year-old girl likes 12-year-old girl things. bittergaymark A few years from now this guys daughter interests may have changed, but she wont be bothering to talk to him about it or anything at all, most likely. I would go on drives to see the eagles, fished, endured Cardinal games and college basketball games. So, encourage her to spend time with him. I resented how I wasnt allowed to pursue my own interests, and how the only interaction from my father was doing something he wanted or berating us about not having his interest and how stupid our own interests were. lets_be_honest July 2, 2013, 4:01 pm. What is arguable? Okay, Harry Potter maybe. How are those pre-teen interests? I had NO IDEA what that was, so I did the can-can. Being My Husbands Caregiver is Exhausting. The dad is setting the tone for the relationship here and it is one of disrespect for anything that isnt your own interest and his daughter is probably picking up that attitude and acting in a reciprocal way. But I wouldnt have done any of those things if my parents let me do what I wanted whenever I wanted. Generally, Ive found that geeky fandoms have more respect for and interest in learning than, say, those who follow the Kardashians would. Me and my husband have a 4 year old daughter together. Your confidence in yourself as a reasonable and intelligent human being may have rapidly diminished. Think "he's a big boy" "He's a grown man. My point is, you have cultivated these interests in your daughter. Im breaking out in hives. Not knowing who the Beatles were, I thought it was something ABOUT beetles, and asked them Is it interesting? . She and my dad didnt have much of a relationship, so she kind of looked to me to be her BFF, and I had a lot more in common with her. Ostensibly through her mother. As an only child, I didnt have to share my parents, and I just happened to love the things my dad loved. I teach freshmen in college, and a lot of them are still Buffy fans. Should A Parent Love Their Child More Than Their Spouse? Let them know that, in your eyes, they are precious and beautiful beyond . Being oblivious to financial matters. Shes lashing out and pushing back because hes hurting her. The kid keeps it all inside because she doesnt want to disappoint Mom, and the relationship with Dad dies. I notice my 14-year-old daughter and her 17-year-old brother, enemies of old, enjoying a detente in the TV room over Xbox and popcorn. My father would have considered my sister and I uninformed if we held an opinion that he didnt share, even if we weighed both sides and did research on the issue. , Did anyone else ever watch Home Improvement? But if youre saying that getting the daughter into these things was some deliberate, malicious move on the part of the mother, I doubt that. Did I fight with my dad as a teenager? If you dont find the info you need in this column, please visit the Dear Wendy archives or the forums (you can even start your own thread), do a search in the search bar, or submit a question for advice at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com. So maybe Mom here does need to let go, and open the daughter up to a better relationship with Dad. Heck, where would we be without Star Trek? I dont know if its The Best thing, but its very important and Im glad for all the things he exposed me to. Buffy was popular in what, 1997? A father-daughter relationship is one of the most important relationships a girl can have. We have a 1-year-old daughter together. I thought The Crucible was awful, but I definitely went to Salem this winter and got really into the witch trials and all the history there. I helped with yard work. And the activities that your husband wants your daughter to do arent horrible, they are actually really good for her. I wonder about the contempt or underlying sexism expressed in the fathers attitude. Obviously the ex spent a lot of time with his family (20 years) as they had a lot of gatherings. You need to be aware that it is possible he may resist your attempts to change things and he may even get angry, so you will need to stand firm. A good game will bring out the competitiveness in everyone. 6napkinburger Get out the frying pan. Its already happening. Im not sure why people think it makes you a bad parent to tell your kid that you dont enjoy some of the same stuff they enjoy and that they can do that when you arent around. Ask the dentist: Why can some people not cope with the word 'fat'? Are they harboring some passive/aggressive need to prove that love wont last and unconsciously sabotaging every chance that it could? Absolutely. My inner fan girl is all riled up now =). it seems to . Hes trying to be a parent to her and teach her what he thinks is important for her to know, while I am trying to encourage her to develop her own interests and do what she loves. So insightful! The consent submitted will only be used for data processing originating from this website. It makes me very depressed that the new Star Trek movies are so popular when the brilliance of DS9 and TNG are all but forgotten amongst our youth . I dont comment a lot but wanted to say I often like your comments. I read ahead in my history textbook during class because I liked it so much. For some reason I keep imagining LWs husband as Red Foreman and her daughter as Eric. The way hes acting could be a response to feeling alienated, Im sure, but right now it seems hes trying to run a bit of tyrannical household (with the assignments, & the verboten music and television). Its great that the LW naturally shares so much with her daughter, but the girl needs to spend time with her father as well, even if it doesnt seem like the most interesting thing at the time. Surely, they can find a few places where their interests overlap a little bit. Theres alot wrong going on here, the parents should definitely get counseling to learn better communication and parenting skills. July 2, 2013, 10:50 am. I think the bottom line is that she is twelve- all of her interests could change in a year or two. July 2, 2013, 3:55 pm, Damn, this is like the last thing I would think commenters would get all riled up and defensive over , 6napkinburger July 2, 2013, 10:32 am. My father only wanted sons, so he decided that his daughters were going to get into sports, hunting, home repair television shows and walks in the woods. Give up some of your precious one-on-one time with your daughter so that your husband can take her hiking or camping or to a science museum. Actually, we dont know this girl but based on this letter, I think that the father is very concerned that she isnt well rounded. Dad used people for his own good. This can cause a lot of tension in the family. Continue with Recommended Cookies. lets_be_honest Its not his thing, and as an adult I respect that (now the two of us nerd out talking about law related stuff since I just got my J.D. . It will also provide a model for her of living a rich adulthood, embracing passions and sharing passions them with the people you love (and showing interest in their passions!). That way, everyone gets a say and is sort of forced to share each others interests. This is actually not difficult. It struck me the wrong way, too. I see her occasionally, but she never stays long if her father is around. What kind of history and science is your husband into? But I loved my dad and my mom encouraged me and sometimes when I was being a brat prodded me -into hanging out with my dad. And my husband tried; he can shoot bow and arrow (his dads favorite) very well, can recognize animal tracks, knows a number of out-doorsy tricks.it was never good enough. My husband is an OK-ish dad when he does spend time with Petunia, but I think he is very happy with his bachelorlike life, since I basically serve as a full-time cleaning lady and chef, and I. It can be tough sometimes, and obviously a lot funner to be the friend than the parent. He liked baseball and trivia and languages and anthropology all stuff I didnt really care about. All these behaviors contribute to the problem and are probably making the daughter less inclined to spend time with him. Shes all the better for it. The variables didnt add up, but you were determined to hang in there and solve the situation by wits and endurance. If you are involved with a crazy-making partner, dont think youre alone. They loved the entire concept and they loved the show. You shouldnt belittle her hobbies because shes more cultured than you , lets_be_honest At that age when your self-esteem is barely functioning (middle school was a bitch for me and most women I know, even if you were cool and confident) I cant imagine how hurtful it must be for her to be mocked. ). Hes embarrassing her. One centering dynamic is to be each other's 'coaches,' and to offer each other feedback and support in managing the kid with the behavior problem." Dealing with your distress, your kid's distress,. How Do You Resolve Conflict Between Your husband And Daughter? July 2, 2013, 12:57 pm. But you know what? But nurturing these relationships between your daughter and both you and your husband while exposing her to things that may or may not be of immediate interest to her WILL help her be a more well-rounded, confident young woman secure in the knowledge that both her parents love her. Frankly, her interests sound pretty varied to me for 12: reading, pop culture, sci-fi, archery, piano and Broadway. When you did actually accurately zero in once in a while, you may have thrived enough on the intermittent reinforcement to hang in for subsequent disappointing rounds. Isolation One of the most common tricks of a mentally abusive partner is to isolate their victims from the rest of the world. Copyright 2023 Dear Wendy. A highly critical parent or parents, resulting in a high sensitivity to being judged on performance. Theres got to be at least one thing that the two of them have in common. I can't even. I intervene and quieten things down when I can, but it's not easy and I am at the point of wondering whether it's all worth the effort. Not Ready To See You With Anyone Other Than Their Biological Father. What is this site, a Masters program? We laughed because the one garden that got me actually excited and interested (the Japanese gardens) was her least favorite and is also my dads favorite type of gardens. And he lived 10 minutes away from us. July 3, 2013, 1:13 am, Wait, is it possible to watch Sarah Michelle Gellar try to act and NOT roll your eyes? Sci-Fi is a great gateway to get kids interested in sciencethere was a museum exhibit traveling around called Star Wars: Where Science Meets Imagination, and theres a similar one about Indiana Jones and archaeology. I agree with what Wendy said, but I also think the dad needs to show interests in her interests. Yeah, I wasnt responding so much to Mark re: sports but to culture as a whole. Theyre a great way to get people who dont necessarily share a lot of common interests involved. Awesome. You know at the beginning of the last indiana jones movie where indie comes running home and needs to ask his dad something but his dad makes him count to 10 in latin? Ill also add that it needs to be understood that belittling interests and eye-rolling is not okay from the daughter either- if youre seeing it from her to him it needs to end now. Anytime someone starts a comment with an um, I dont bother reading it because its bound to be condescending. lets_be_honest I know that we all love the music from our generation. July 2, 2013, 12:04 pm. He may feel like hes being left out or that he isnt good enough for his daughter. That means the communication isnt effective and it may be that your husband has to hear this from someone outside the situation. 2. Addie Pray I didnt get the sense that the LW is only liking or disliking things to get closer to her daughter. Make it easier for him to be his best self. We are extremely close and love doing the same things. July 2, 2013, 3:17 pm.

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